How to Get Your Child to Obey*

*Just kidding. That’s not real. Kids aren’t wired to “obey”, but they are wired to defy, test, and learn.

So, how do we manage when our child is completely defying the system? Sometimes it's a toddler at nap time or a teenager sneaking the one thing that scares you most. The best move we can make as parents here, is put the work in the prep. Like when you paint a room, you put time into masking the edges, prepping your tools and having a plan for your color application.

With children we can 1) set an expectation from day one, 2) gently, but directly warn when violated and 3) follow through with a related consequence—removal of privilege. You can avoid threats by stating the expectation and enforcement in positive ways: “When you are home on at 9pm, you get to keep your freedom to see friends on weekends.”

When they're young, it may need to be something that snaps them out of the behavior, something that's not causing lasting harm to ego or the child’s body, nor any action done from an overflow of parental anger.

Yet creatively we are seeking to select a “follow through action” which allows the child to feel discomfort due to their poor choice. Hear that? He made a “bad choice”. That does not make him a “bad boy”. Grace in parenting is empathetic, but with it we do not lead with healthy anger, seeking to state truth and make reconciliation.

As they get older, we simply with hold relevant privileges that are generally connected to the root behavior until we see the expected behavior accomplished.

It’s time to get creative! For example,  if you're in public and your five year old wants to walk on their own, it’s important to talk to them before the situation unfolds. Let them know you’d like them to stay with you and why it’s important. Make three rules. Warn when violated. Execute a pre planned follow through everytime. Then, only then, discuss further if they are still upset to ensure you are on the same page.

Set Expectations

It’s helpful to set the rules, or expectations, first. ‘We walk next to mommy’ or ‘we stay in bed for naptime’. When you have teens it may look like ‘you’re home by 10 pm before it gets too late in the evening.’ You're giving your expectations here, versus the rules. You would then warn and follow through. So if the teen isn't home by 10 pm, then in the future, they have to come home at 8 pm. If the child comes out of bed at naptime, they need some sort of uncomfortable consequence that relates to the fact that they got out of bed. If your children are old enough to understand you can extend their time in their bed, then follow through and pray for them and your situation. 

Breathe

When children are rebelling, try to take deep breaths right before you respond. Enforce, breathe, and always check your reaction. Go ahead and compartmentalize that anger elsewhere. It’s ok to say you're mad, but that's really all you should be doing. You’re helping yourself by monitoring your own anger. When you reduce your aggression by removing privileges or removing the child from a situation,  you're doing it not as a reaction to the child but as a strategic response; one that will be expected because you told them in a non-threatening way. 

This non-threatening communication opens your situation up for learning and independence. You can now say that when you make a choice there is an equal consequence, good or bad. It is ultimately their decision. 

Be Realistic About Development

Above all, we as parents and caregivers, need to keep in mind that at certain ages, 2 to 4 and 12 to 18, they're supposed to resist. Part of our problem is that we get so caught up in the defiance, that we get personally triggered by shame…that we're ‘not doing a good enough job’ or guilt that we ‘didn't teach them right’. It’s our anger (towards self or the child) that we're stuck in, and from which we often react. We get all flared up when we can't get them to obey. This means we have a problem in our expectations or our belief system about ourselves. We may be flawed in our perspective of what we're supposed to be doing here. A parent’s fundamental job is to raise a child by teaching and guiding. This can be demonstrated through encouragement and enforcement. Essentially we want to enforce, not force. How do we do that?

Correct the Paradigm

First, our paradigm has to be correct. Otherwise, we're going to be confused when they disobey and how we “should” respond. Then, our emotions don’t act the way we want them to. Our belief system might say, “It’s my job to make them sleep/make them get home on time/make them choose the right friends.” Eventually, we're going to find ourselves in a position of stuck-ness. 

The parent’s job is to inspire their child and set an expectation to guide them. We want to draw them in through relationships towards following us. 

We want them to be able to sit in the pain of their own consequences and let them have that power to make the wrong choice. That's it. That's the core of where parents go wrong on accident.

Over time, we're shepherding their hearts. It's an investment, and we're not going to see the payoff right away because they are supposed to make the wrong choices and learn from making the right ones. 

It’s imperative that our children and teens have some autonomous thinking as they grow. They will start to weigh the difference between the right choice without pain, or even with a little pain (like patience or delayed gratification). If we start this paradigm shift at a younger age, then the investment pays off earlier, or at just the right time.

If you get stuck in a typical parenting cycle of forcing or controlling, and you are using your power and authority to manipulate or threaten, then you may accidentally hurt them by inducing shame. You're likely going to end up with a very difficult teenager, and a difficult relationship that ends up damaging the relational dynamic. Then we have a child carrying even deeper pain. Don’t hold the pain for your child, loving parents. Let them have it. Appropriate it where it’s due with little words. Strategy, action and consistency.

Conclusion

Unwarranted reactions are usually triggered by an inappropriate belief system—not only about our job as parents— but about our value regarding ourselves. When we start to heal, we realize that we're reacting from an unhealthy place which then projects outward onto the child or teen. The child healing starts by the family system each respectively taking a look inward—reflecting on their peice in the systemic problem. More to come on this!