Media and Our Kids: Protect Your Child’s Eyes and Heart
ALERT! There is something commonly showing up in the mental health world right now. Students are in virtual classrooms with extra access to the internet. The internet is like a playground, for people of all ages. We as adults must curate what goes into the eyes and hearts of our children—all the way until they are adults. Then they can be set free to be responsible consumers. There is not right process from age 2-18 in how to introduce a child to media. Ideally, you will progress that autonomy as your child and you, parents, build mutual trust.
What do you think goes through the mind of somebody who's preying on kids with pornography with all of the extra screen time by young children?
It's not uncommon for children who have unmet emotional needs (which I argue is most of them right now) to innately find unhealthy ways to cope. As humans, we have several emotions, but they can generally be boiled down to the ‘Basic Five’.
Linda Tonnesen wrote a curriculum that explains this work in detail. We refer to her and Carl Jung’s work in the ‘Why Feelings Matter article’. When children have an unmet need, such as feeling shame or they're in a state of fear, sadness, feeling scared, or even excited, they may only be showing themselves as “happy”. Often there is loneliness hiding there. In order to address this issue we have to look at the five basic emotions and their needs: sad, mad, glad, bad, and scared. Once you understand that, it makes a lot of sense why children can end up trapped in their bodies without an outlet during covid isolation.
Let’s break this down. Children have more access to the internet, and this means they are being targeted for ads and websites based on their scrolling behavior, their demographics, their age, their gender and just about any other type of variable the internet algorithms account for. You can watch ‘Social Dilemma’ on Netflix to learn more about how Social Media captures us and our children. In short, mega technology companies are capable of tracking our every click.
You might think your child’s schooling software is safe and encrypted, but a lot of times there are still holes in the system. It's worth putting an extra set of eyes on your childs screen and internet activity.
Here’s some quick tips and then we'll get into how to cope with the fear that we may have just induced in you.
There's a difference between stress and fear; you can lean into fear, which takes you to a rational worry and the instinctive responses to control a helicopter for example. Instinctual fear tends to push kids into rebellion and hiding. So, we want instill a more stress based response to this. However, you are still aware there's a threat. Not only a threat of what your kids might choose to do, but what's being programmed towards them in the movies, the shows, the videos.
There are certain themes like sensuality, sexuality, vulnerability, dominance, control, and trauma. We see this in even the most basic G-rated movies. There are subliminal messages in the music they're listening to and the artists they're following.
Look at the heart of the producer of the content that your child is consuming. You can also install monitoring software like, Covenant Eyes.
Have a sit down with your child about safety with their eyes. Guide them through.
I recommend a book written by Kristen Johnson, it’s called ‘Good pictures, bad pictures’. It's a simple plan to protect young minds. The whole point is education and prevention so that later it doesn’t feel like control. You’re educating your children on standards. You will also need to have a plan for how to follow through. If you follow through, they're not going to question control, they won't see it as attached to your fear or guilt that you weren't monitoring them.
So if the child is on screen time longer than they're supposed to be, there needs to be a follow up. It’s doesn’t have to be complex or long-winded, it doesn't have to be many words. Less words is almost always better with children of all ages. It could go something like this:
“Hey, we talked about this, what's the standard that you're crossing right now? I feel you're violating one of our expectations.”
3. You can use cameras in a healthy way in your home. I'm not suggesting that you spy on everyone in the home. I’m suggesting that when it comes to the internet and screens, you can monitor what’s being seen in this way.
4. You can practice shame-lifting. This means letting your children know it's natural that our bodies and minds are going to be drawn to certain things. You will definitely want to use developmentally appropriate language here. You could talk to them about their body, their private parts, what they're wearing, modesty, the messages we send by the way that we we touch ourselves and others. You can talk about how some people are appropriate to do things like someone helping you go potty in preschool, like a teacher or a family or doctor. Mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, etc. may also be people who you judge is safe in their world.
5. Consider that this is a heart issue. The objective is not to control them, we're trying to guide their heart. We want the message that we send our children to be “this is up to you”.
6. The final step is you want to encourage and promote and praise whenever you give standards. Positive reinforcement always wins. Your focus is prevention and modeling. If you want them to make good choices, you want them to understand from early on. As they grow, you can change your language to fit their developmental stage. Be open, but stay the course.
For more, check out this book from Joyce Meyers: Battlefield of the Mind.