Why Feelings Matter

Someone tattled on me.

I had something stolen.

I found out my sibling told a lie about me.

Yea, I’d be ticked off too!

Or, how about as an adult?

My child was put in a harmful situation by another parent.

My child scattered my work files all over my house, or just simply annoyed me ALL day.

My boss or partner made a mistake at work which cost me money.

My 70 yr old mother made a comment that totally patronized me when what I really needed was her support.

I was accused of something for which I did not intend.

My partner is shutting me out.

My partner is dishonest with me.

If you related to any of these statements, you should feel mad! These are all what we call a “violation”!

Anytime anyone is mad, it is because he or she feels violated. This is a simple way of saying “someone has crossed me, my property or loved one” and ultimately my sense of self. I am mad because, due to some circumstance, I interpret that I am stuck.

And whether I choose so or not, it’s gunna spill out, someway somehow!

Listening to the voice of your mad is not bad. Yours nor anyone else’s. Neither is sadness, guilt, shame, fear and all the other God-given red flags that come up when we have a need.

Tell me you don’t have feelings, and I’ll help you see where they leak out in your life.

However, we often fear the mad that comes out of our body. It’s a powerful force; a chemical energy made to fight! Instead, we put away our “no” and our “stop that” and we suck it up. This may lead a child to lose her sense of dignity or lead to low self esteem. Instead we can teach our children (or reteach ourselves) to use a healthy “mad”; which expresses frustration, speaks truth in love, sets limits as others cross us, and can be assertive and self protective. This is how we can love well; both ourselves AND others. To say what we want and need.

We can learn to be strong leaders and walk with confidence—when we rediscover our “no”. This is an example of why feelings matter.

As cheesy as this information may seem, it is essential to healthy performance and relationships. People need healthy connection to function well within themselves. But it truly starts with the me. Being in touch with ‘me’ is how I can be effective in my relationships so that I can feel truly fulfilled in life.

I strongly encourage you to stop and watch this quick video to help you better understand this article, and then read on. The video is about Carl Jung’s shadow, and the idea that we hide parts of ourselves for a VERY GOOD REASON to have connection at one stage of life…and then we can’t get it back without realizing this has occurred. There are many ways to get this realization back, including a process called Shadow Work (by Cliff Barry). Additionally, the writings of Linda Tonnesen have inspired this article. I share this video with lots of adults because I believe the true resolution to depression and anxiety is shifting self beliefs. Identity is everything!

If we don’t get an emotional need met, how does it spill out from our false self belief?

A child hits because he believes he is stuck. An adult may make sarcastic remarks because she believes she is not worthy of respect and therefore won’t ask directly even though she expects it. A mother rages when she hears her child cry, because she believes she is failing.

Self beliefs direct feelings. If we try to stop the bad behavior and/or the feelings without addressing why they are there, we end up shutting down those parts of us that have needs and related character traits (confidence, assertiveness, self protection, preferences, creativity, adventure, being careful, connection/vulnerability, etc.)

To resolve unwanted behavior…

We have to work backwards and resolve the feelings that get us there.

Those feelings come from a mindset, which comes from a belief system. See Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on the Power of Vulnerability to learn more research on this.

How to change the feeling…

This formula has been widely studied and is considered the essential model for the most scientifically evidenced treatment for mental health issues, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).

1. beliefs (“I am not enough”)

->

2. thoughts (“I need to do more work”)

->

3. feelings (shame and fear)

->

4. behavior (pleasing others and not being authentic)

For Example:

Johnny feels anxious and tries to please others because he doesn’t feel adequate.

Helping him track that feeling of shame and fear will help him tackle that false belief about himself. And use evidence around him to prove what’s really true about him: he is adequate when he’s himself!

This is an example of how things like social anxiety and depression sometimes can form. If feelings are not validated, they will find their way to get their needs met. Examples may include rage, addiction, social anxiety, avoidance, affairs, and the list goes on. Unmet needs can lead to ugly behavior, which brings people back to shame.

Below is a chart with the basic feelings and their causes and needs.
(Memorize this, folks!)

Emotions flow through us every four minutes. If we don’t address them, we will be overwhelmed by the end of the day and our behavior will show it!

We cannot avoid addressing the feelings which are the body’s navigation system telling us when we have unmet needs!

Addressing the needs…

When we do address those with distance from others, boundaries, venting frustration, a safety plan, connection, asking forgiveness, and receiving our worth…the body won’t feel stuck any longer. We can abide in what’s true about us and about what’s REALLY happening in the room. Usually we are safe, or we can make a plan to get safe. Usually we are acceptable, or we can make a shift to be so. Usually we can have someone to share our joy with. And usually we can get change in an area which we feel stuck.

Use music to shift your thoughts. Sweat out the adrenaline when you feel upset. Sleep for comfort. Journal or pray when you feel lost. Ask for a friend to listen only or to engage in dialogue with you when you need connection.

And remember, you are enough. So that means you can ask for what you need and relax!

One can move through life with peace. Yes, peace is a real thing! Even amidst all chaos. If you resist this concept, it may be because chaos feels more safe. When you find a space to teach your body that this is not true, you may be able to cross into the chaos on purpose, in order to surrender and get peace.

—Jessica Jeans